Man clicks every ‘You won’t believe what happens next’ article on Facebook, and you won’t believe what happens next!

Jerry

El Dorado, KS —Gerald Wittenberg, 76, has devoted himself to clicking every single link on Facebook that promises an unbelievable ending. He reports mixed results so far.

“Sometimes I can totally believe what happens next, sometimes it catches me by surprise,” said Wittenberg, “but I’m starting to think it’s just something they put in the headline to get me to read the article.”

Wittenberg points to an article on his computer with the title, “Must Watch! Cute Kitten Attacks Pit Bull – You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!!” “Because of the title, I was assuming the kitten was going to knock the Pit Bull unconscious and drag it off or something. Guess what? It’s just a video of a kitten getting licked by a dog for 1:22.”

Seth Robinson is the Editor-in-chief of Marketing Monthly. “It’s a technique we developed in the early 2000s, but I feel like it is just now catching on.”

Marketing Monthly reported a 217% increase in clicks on articles with some variation of “You won’t believe what happens next” in the title.

“Take an article like ‘Man survives for 3 days underwater; you won’t believe what happens next!’ for example,” said Robinson, “There really isn’t anything that happens next. He’s been rescued—the story is over; however, when we promise people something amazing—that’s how we get more clicks.”

Other popular variations include:

– READ UNTIL THE END!

– JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE REST!

– What happens next will SHOCK YOU!

– READ FOR JESUS!

– YOU’RE ONLY ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE YOU ARE BORED WITH REAL LIFE AND ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING STIMULATING, RIGHT? THEN CLICK HERE!

At press time, Wittenberg was experimenting with scrubbing to the end of videos in an effort to get to the unbelievable parts faster.

Jacob’s Well logo incorporated into national symbol

GreatSeal

 

Washington, D.C. This morning, the President of the United States unveiled America’s new national seal, featuring the Jacob’s Well logo.

President Obama held an honorary “Plate of the Union” address to announce this change, saying, “It is with great pride and also a small amount of surprise that we are awarding an honorary placement of the coffee cup found in the Jacob’s Well logo into the Great Seal of America.”

Sources confirm that the change will be subtle, with only the handle of the mug sticking out from behind the Eagle’s right thigh.

Matt Peony, the graphic designer in charge of the project, said it was one of the toughest challenges of his career. “I’m incredibly proud of my team,” said Peony, “I think we have not only met, but also exceeded the desires of the white house staff.”

Several critics have been skeptical of the change.

Chip Kidd, graphic designer whose notable work includes the Jurassic Park logo, was one of the most outspoken. “Don’t get me wrong, Matt’s team did a beautiful job with the mug itself—it’s the location that we disagree with.”

He went on to describe the symbolic differences between right and left eagle thighs, saying, “They didn’t do their due diligence in the research phase. I believe history will prove that it should have actually been nestled into a few of the feathers of the eagle’s right wing.”

The original designer of the Great Seal and Secretary of the Continental Congress, Charles Thompson, was asked about what he thought of this revision—but he has been dead for a couple hundred years now and was quite unable to comment.