El Dorado, KS – A customer at Jacob’s Well Café and Coffeehouse is having trouble in the bathroom. Sources say that Irving Patrick Freely went into the bathroom at 9:35 this morning, but as of press time hasn’t come back out.
His breakfast meeting was with Gerald Hodges, of Andover. Hodges stated, “I.P. was in there for a long time before I checked on him. I just figured he was having a rough time with the Mexican food we ate last night, but when I knocked on the door I could immediately tell he was in trouble.”
Eyewitnesses reported muffled yelling and multiple pastel-colored clouds coming from under the door as Freely tried to figure out which air freshener was the best.
According to Hodges, Freely was shouting some very bizarre things, like “Lavender, my butt!” and “More like Hawaiian Sneeze!”
Latest reports indicate Freely is about to start combining the scents to see if he can come up with something better.