Coffee or Food? Jacob’s Well asks El Dorado how they spend their time at a restaurant

So it’s 2pm and you’ve got some time to kill. You need to study for an exam or do a little bit more research for your next meeting. Obviously, this means you’re going to take advantage of the free WiFi at Jacob’s Well, El Dorado’s #1 Coffee Shop. Once you arrive, however, you realize that you are in a little bit of a predicament. You had an early lunch, and the food at Jacob’s Well is smelling really good. Should you get a scone, danish, or cookie to nibble on while you work instead of coffee? This is tough.

You distract yourself by writing a poem:
“Roses are red, coffee is black,
Coffee coffee coffeshop,
Food, snack-attack.”

Alright, that’s enough. You can’t take it anymore. Looks like you’re going to have to have both (‘Murica). Miraculously, as you get into your wallet to look for your credit card, the cashier informs you that Happy Hour at Jacob’s Well is from 2-3, and your coffee is 50% off. Providence.
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Jacob’s Well cooling units involved in heated exchange

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El Dorado, KS — The newly installed HVAC units at Jacob’s Well haven’t been getting along, choosing to assault one another with a barrage of passive-aggressive heating and cooling puns.

“He thinks he’s SO cool,” complained the furnace

The A/C replied, “Eh, he’s just blowing hot air.”

Ashley Crisler, Jacob’s Well’s newest employee, just wants them to get along.

“When I signed up last week I had no idea that this was going on,” said Crisler, “It’s pretty exhausting to listen to them vent all day.”

It has been speculated that the lines running between these two units are carrying refrigerant and liquid hate.

“They’re all on his side right now because it’s hot and he’s got really good jokes,” said the furnace, “but you just wait—they’ll warm up to me this winter.”

At press time, the A/C was telling Crisler a joke, but couldn’t remember if the punch line was “So then the duct said, ‘Put it on my bill’” or “Evaporator? I hardly know her!”

Ashley

Man gets To Go box from Jacob’s Well, and you won’t believe what he found inside!

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El Dorado, KS — Ever hoped to randomly discover a rare item worth millions of dollars? Matt Prichard, 35, has done just that.

“It all started with ordering lunch from Jacob’s Well,” said Prichard “I didn’t have much time to eat, so I just called and ordered it to go.”

Prichard didn’t notice anything strange about the to go box initially, except that it felt slightly heavier than normal.

“I just assumed they had really been generous with the Potato Salad,” he said.

“When I got back to work and opened up the box, I was expecting a delicious sandwich, but I found a charcoal grill inside! I couldn’t believe it—I was in shock.”

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Prichard noted that he was about to text this photo to his brother-in-law when he decided to look inside the grill, just in case.

“At first I thought it was just your standard expandable grill, but then I noticed a WALLET under the grill plate,” said Prichard.

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There was a brown leather wallet tucked inside.

“I mean, finding a charcoal grill in a to go box is amazing, but what I found in the wallet took my breath away.”

Baseball

Inside the wallet, Prichard found a baseball autographed by Abraham “Abe” Lincoln, the sixteenth President of the United States. The inscription next to his John Hancock reads “1861,” meaning that he signed this ball four years prior to being famously assassinated in April of 1865.

Experts are calling this the rarest sports memorabilia find since the bat belonging to Babe Ruth displayed in the Smithsonian Institute was discovered to actually just be a huge wooden mixing spoon.

The ball, valued at over 12 million dollars, is in mint condition. It is speculated that Lincoln probably placed it inside the wallet himself immediately after hitting the home run and signing it. There is no information on what Major League team President Lincoln played for, but the general consensus is that his favorite bat was probably labeled “Honest Abe’s Domination Proclamation.

Prichard has not yet decided what he will do with the ball.

“I could sell it, but that seems like kind of a waste,” he said. “I guess if I DID sell it, I could order carryout from Jacob’s Well like three times a day for the rest of my life—and who knows what I might find in my next to go box!”

LOCKE’S LASHES LYING!—Shocking story of mascara addiction and cover up

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El Dorado, KS—The city is in shock this morning, as an active member of the community has been caught in scandal.

Chase Locke has struggled to rise to his position as an influential city leader due to multiple allegations of using makeup to enhance his popularity. These allegations have previously been dismissed due to a lack of physical evidence. That all changed when an accomplice came forward to the police.

“I have been buying for him for years,” said Amy Hall, also of El Dorado. “It started as just a one time thing—he asked me to pick up an extra tube of mascara for him, and made me promise not to tell anyone.”

That was 11 years ago. Hall’s official statement to the police said that his condition has gotten worse over time, and at this point she was picking up multiple tubes of mascara per week.

“It’s always been difficult to keep quiet about it, especially when I hear people complimenting him about his beautiful eyelashes, but the last straw was when he called me at 3:30 am a couple nights ago demanding that I go get him some right then. He sounded bad—I told him I couldn’t do this anymore.”

As he had been using city funds to support his habit, Locke is being charged with Embezzlement under chapter 9, article 20, section 12 (9-2012) of city law—a level 7 non-personal felony. The prosecuting attorney is asking for additional charges, since the amount of money he stole exceeded $10,000; however, there is a possibility he will get off with only 18 months of probation.

An anonymous source at the El Dorado Police Department commented on the potential sentence. “Oh we’ll throw the book at him, for sure,” said the anonymous source, “or my name isn’t Sam Humig.”

When asked about the charges, Locke simply responded, “Maybe I was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.”

Jacob’s Well hires balloon clown—customers not amused

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El Dorado, KS — Ever wish that while you ate a delicious sandwich you could listen to the sound of balloons being twisted and tied together? Patrons of Jacob’s Well in El dorado are now able to have that experience from 12:30-1:30pm every weekday.

“He has been doing a really good job,” said owner Tyler Brickley, “but I probably should have specified that I wanted a children’s clown.”

Prior to his employment at Jacob’s Well, Stabbo the Clown did a few murder mystery parties, was cast as the lead in the independent film Hide and Creep, and finished writing his autobiography during a 3 year stretch at the state penitentiary.

Some customers have been skeptical.

John Pickering, 47, left the restaurant with his wife and three children the second he saw Stabbo.

“I just don’t think it created a good environment for the kids,” said Pickering, “I told Susan to grab her purse because we were leaving.”

Brickley says things are getting better. “We had a couple run ins right at first with him filling some of the balloons animals with ketchup for ‘a more realistic popping experience’, but since then things have been fine.”

At press time, Stabbo was seen out in the courtyard smoking a cigarette and talking on his cell phone.

Man clicks every ‘You won’t believe what happens next’ article on Facebook, and you won’t believe what happens next!

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El Dorado, KS —Gerald Wittenberg, 76, has devoted himself to clicking every single link on Facebook that promises an unbelievable ending. He reports mixed results so far.

“Sometimes I can totally believe what happens next, sometimes it catches me by surprise,” said Wittenberg, “but I’m starting to think it’s just something they put in the headline to get me to read the article.”

Wittenberg points to an article on his computer with the title, “Must Watch! Cute Kitten Attacks Pit Bull – You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!!” “Because of the title, I was assuming the kitten was going to knock the Pit Bull unconscious and drag it off or something. Guess what? It’s just a video of a kitten getting licked by a dog for 1:22.”

Seth Robinson is the Editor-in-chief of Marketing Monthly. “It’s a technique we developed in the early 2000s, but I feel like it is just now catching on.”

Marketing Monthly reported a 217% increase in clicks on articles with some variation of “You won’t believe what happens next” in the title.

“Take an article like ‘Man survives for 3 days underwater; you won’t believe what happens next!’ for example,” said Robinson, “There really isn’t anything that happens next. He’s been rescued—the story is over; however, when we promise people something amazing—that’s how we get more clicks.”

Other popular variations include:

– READ UNTIL THE END!

– JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE REST!

– What happens next will SHOCK YOU!

– READ FOR JESUS!

– YOU’RE ONLY ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE YOU ARE BORED WITH REAL LIFE AND ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING STIMULATING, RIGHT? THEN CLICK HERE!

At press time, Wittenberg was experimenting with scrubbing to the end of videos in an effort to get to the unbelievable parts faster.

Man under floor moves upstairs — Jacob’s Well drops charges

Jeremy Moves Upstairs
El Dorado, KS—Jeremy Thompson, 42, is literally moving up in life after the charges against him filed by Jacob’s Well were dropped, and they offered him one of the apartments above their store free of charge.
Thompson was discovered living under Jacob’s Well Café and Coffeehouse two weeks ago by a local electrician, and is thought to have lived there for at least six years. We were able to conduct a brief interview with him while he was taking a short break from moving his things into his new apartment.

 

So, Jeremy, is it true that you were under Jacob’s Well for six years?
It would have actually been my seventh anniversary next week if I hadn’t been discovered. I was 36 when it all happened; my life fell apart. I was in Jacob’s Well thinking about things, and I noticed the trap door in the floor. I hid in the bathroom that day until all of the staff were gone, and then crawled down through the trap door to check it out.

What was it like under there?
I don’t think anyone had been down there in a while, and it was very dry, so I thought it would be a good place to spend a couple days and probably not get caught. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and I guess now it’s been almost seven years.

How did you survive?
I would come up at night and take small amounts of food from their refrigerators. Always small quantities, so they wouldn’t miss it. I even did a little bit of baking every once in awhile, but mostly lived off of chocolate chip cookies and cold turkey and bacon paninis. Every couple days I would leave early in the morning and then come back in like a normal customer. I would take just enough money out of their register to pay for my meal when I came back in—I never took more money than that.

Tell us about the charges filed against you and what led to them being dropped
Well, I didn’t expect Jacob’s Well to drop the charges. After all, I was trespassing, stealing their food, stealing their money, and using their wifi on their iPad register thing at night. Apparently the owner got a lot of negative feedback from people who were really compassionate towards my situation, and that must have led to a change of heart for him.

Is it awkward that you will be living upstairs now?
Well, it was a little awkward when they kicked out that nice marriage and family therapist who occupied the apartment before me, but other than that—no, not really. Jacob’s Well has been my home for years, the only difference is that now everyone is okay with it.

What are your plans now?
The owner of Jacob’s Well and I have a meeting set up to talk about some possible employment opportunities, and I was thinking about going back to school.

New parody website misunderstood—hundreds hospitalized in aftermath.

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Wichita, KS — Hundreds of people were admitted to Wesley Hospital in Wichita, KS on Tuesday due to brain damage. The inability to process recent information released by Jacob’s Well in El Dorado led to critical mental overload and, in some cases, traumatic brain injuries.

The recent addition of the “News” page on the Jacob’s Well website, ilovethewell.com, has been regarded by most people as satire—a shameless attempt by the marketing department to create parody that will stir interest in the company’s social media presence. However, a handful of their readers remained skeptical.

Dr. Randall Phillips, “Head” of Wesley Hospital Neurology, described the epidemic as both “terrible” and “terribly funny.”

“I’ve seen trauma like this before,” said Phillips, “it’s called ‘Conceptualitis.’ It usually starts small, like a tough riddle or joke—a mental roadblock, if you will. If it is caught in the early stages, there are typically no lasting effects; however, if it goes unchecked it can lead to mental fatigue, an inability to get sarcasm, or even intracerebral hemorrhaging.”

As of press time, Wesley had admitted 217 new patients to the neurology wing that were diagnosed with the Jacob’s Well strain of Conceptualitis. Doctors say they anticipate no fatalities, as it is typically a disease that only lasts until a close friend or family member explains the joke to them.

A representative of the Jacob’s Well marketing department said this same thing happened in December of 2013 when they released a video fictitiously depicting the El Dorado Police Department arresting a man who stole some sandwiches from Jacob’s Well, and they expect it to blow over in a few days.

Jacob’s Well stock closed Wednesday 137 points lower than the previous week.

Customer confused over which air freshener to use

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El Dorado, KS – A customer at Jacob’s Well Café and Coffeehouse is having trouble in the bathroom. Sources say that Irving Patrick Freely went into the bathroom at 9:35 this morning, but as of press time hasn’t come back out.

His breakfast meeting was with Gerald Hodges, of Andover. Hodges stated, “I.P. was in there for a long time before I checked on him. I just figured he was having a rough time with the Mexican food we ate last night, but when I knocked on the door I could immediately tell he was in trouble.”

Eyewitnesses reported muffled yelling and multiple pastel-colored clouds coming from under the door as Freely tried to figure out which air freshener was the best.

According to Hodges, Freely was shouting some very bizarre things, like “Lavender, my butt!” and “More like Hawaiian Sneeze!”

Latest reports indicate Freely is about to start combining the scents to see if he can come up with something better.

El Dorado man drowns in cup of coffee

Coffee Drowning

El Dorado, KS. On Friday morning, Kevin Fisher and Joe Carpenter were having coffee at Jacob’s Well when Fisher fell into his cup of coffee and drowned.

“It all happened so fast,” said Carpenter, “there was probably nothing I could have done—plus, that coffee was really hot.”

Forensics ruled out foul play almost immediately, and several witnesses confirmed that it was accidental.

The barista on duty, Jenn Claassen, stated that Fisher ordered a large latte. “He said, ‘Put it in the biggest mug you guys have,’” said Claassen, “and some of our mugs are really big.”

Claassen’s official statement to the police said that she tried to warn Fisher to be careful when she served him the latte, but he just smirked and said, “Thanks, sweetie.”

“I’m still in shock,” said Carpenter. “One second he was talking about needing to get up and go the bathroom, and then he slipped and…” (Carpenter starts crying) “…Then I’m just sitting there all alone, drinking my espresso, wondering who I’m going to meet for coffee from now on.”

Services will be held on Monday afternoon. There will be a reception with light snacks and a full espresso bar after Fisher is “coffee with cremated” and symbolically laid to rest in the giant mug—donated by Jacob’s Well.

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