Server not sure if customer ordered “ice water” or “flyswatter”



El Dorado, KS. Keara Garrison, one of Jacob’s Well’s top servers, struggled to understand a customer earlier today.

Reports indicate that Garrison originally took down the order as “A Turkey and Bacon Panini with a flyswatter,” but started having doubts as soon as she walked away.

“It was a really uncomfortable moment for me,” said Garrison, “because after I left their table I realized he might have just ordered an ice water.”

Abbi Humig was making sandwiches. “Keara came and conferred with me about the misunderstanding, and I advised her to either go clarify it with the customer or take him both things to save time.”

A nearby customer, Sue Pladles, was asked if she overheard the incident and which item she believed the customer had ordered. “No, I didn’t” she said.

Garrison was last seen frantically looking through the tool bucket in the back of the restaurant.

Jacob’s Well discovers man living under floor



El Dorado, KS. Yesterday, one of the regulars of a local coffee shop was discovered to have been living in a crawl space under the floor for the last six years. Jeremy Thompson, a 42 year old from Towanda, Kansas, has been utilizing this space for free and without the knowledge of the building owners or the business proprietor.

He was found when Shawn Humig, an electrician hired to repair the espresso machine, needed to run a new line under the floor.

“I got down into the crawl space and turned on my flashlight, and that’s when I saw him,” said Humig. “I thought it was a raccoon at first because of how the light reflected off his eyes, but then when I got closer I realized it was actually an adult man.”

Heather Wellner, manager of Jacob’s Well, recognized Thompson immediately. “When the tear gas subsided,” said Wellner, “and they finally got him out of there, I was shocked to see that it was Jeremy. He has been in here for lunch every day for years.”

When asked about the area under the floor Thompson had been living in, Humig said, “Well he had a couple old blankets to sleep on and a milk crate set up for his laptop. My guess is that he just used Jacob’s Well’s wifi and would come up at night to use the facilities and forage for food. There were several half eaten cookies and some Panini wrappers scattered around.”

The owner of Jacob’s Well, Tyler Brickley, was asked about the incident. “It’s unnerving, for sure, but it all makes so much more sense now. He always sat at R1, which was never suspicious. Lot’s of customers have favorite spots, but now I realize that R1 is directly over the trap door to the crawl space. I never really saw him come in, either. I’d just walk back there and—hey, there’s Jeremy!”

Official charges are still pending an investigation by the police, who have asked for dozens more of Jacob’s Well’s chocolate chip cookies in order to accurately recreate the crime scene.

Angry El Dorado residents picket Jacob’s Well


El Dorado, KS. On Tuesday, approximately 17 members of the small Kansas town protested Jacob’s Well Café and Coffee house, saying that the food they serve is “too tempting” for them to resist. “I have gained twelve pounds in the last six months from their cookies alone,” said protester Thomas Billinger. “I have a weakness, and it’s on them to know that by now.”

“I told them we shouldn’t picket so close to their location,” said a middle-aged businesswoman who was sitting on the sidewalk with a sign reading Go to H#$$, Jacob’s Well. “I can smell the sandwiches on the Panini grill from here.” (At press time, this woman was seen being pulled back onto the sidewalk by Billinger and other protesters).
Attempts have been made to get the police involved, but local law enforcement was unavailable to comment due to being in a meeting catered by Jacob’s Well.



Jacob’s Well logo incorporated into national symbol



Washington, D.C. This morning, the President of the United States unveiled America’s new national seal, featuring the Jacob’s Well logo.

President Obama held an honorary “Plate of the Union” address to announce this change, saying, “It is with great pride and also a small amount of surprise that we are awarding an honorary placement of the coffee cup found in the Jacob’s Well logo into the Great Seal of America.”

Sources confirm that the change will be subtle, with only the handle of the mug sticking out from behind the Eagle’s right thigh.

Matt Peony, the graphic designer in charge of the project, said it was one of the toughest challenges of his career. “I’m incredibly proud of my team,” said Peony, “I think we have not only met, but also exceeded the desires of the white house staff.”

Several critics have been skeptical of the change.

Chip Kidd, graphic designer whose notable work includes the Jurassic Park logo, was one of the most outspoken. “Don’t get me wrong, Matt’s team did a beautiful job with the mug itself—it’s the location that we disagree with.”

He went on to describe the symbolic differences between right and left eagle thighs, saying, “They didn’t do their due diligence in the research phase. I believe history will prove that it should have actually been nestled into a few of the feathers of the eagle’s right wing.”

The original designer of the Great Seal and Secretary of the Continental Congress, Charles Thompson, was asked about what he thought of this revision—but he has been dead for a couple hundred years now and was quite unable to comment.

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