Wichita, KS — Hundreds of people were admitted to Wesley Hospital in Wichita, KS on Tuesday due to brain damage. The inability to process recent information released by Jacob’s Well in El Dorado led to critical mental overload and, in some cases, traumatic brain injuries.
The recent addition of the “News” page on the Jacob’s Well website, ilovethewell.com, has been regarded by most people as satire—a shameless attempt by the marketing department to create parody that will stir interest in the company’s social media presence. However, a handful of their readers remained skeptical.
Dr. Randall Phillips, “Head” of Wesley Hospital Neurology, described the epidemic as both “terrible” and “terribly funny.”
“I’ve seen trauma like this before,” said Phillips, “it’s called ‘Conceptualitis.’ It usually starts small, like a tough riddle or joke—a mental roadblock, if you will. If it is caught in the early stages, there are typically no lasting effects; however, if it goes unchecked it can lead to mental fatigue, an inability to get sarcasm, or even intracerebral hemorrhaging.”
As of press time, Wesley had admitted 217 new patients to the neurology wing that were diagnosed with the Jacob’s Well strain of Conceptualitis. Doctors say they anticipate no fatalities, as it is typically a disease that only lasts until a close friend or family member explains the joke to them.
A representative of the Jacob’s Well marketing department said this same thing happened in December of 2013 when they released a video fictitiously depicting the El Dorado Police Department arresting a man who stole some sandwiches from Jacob’s Well, and they expect it to blow over in a few days.
Jacob’s Well stock closed Wednesday 137 points lower than the previous week.